Coffee Hour
by Kacey Conrad
Summary: Three angels are in for a bit of madness when one gets hold of a wacky magazine... Add a canine companion, and things could get messy! COMPLETE - Thanks for the reviews! :)


Title: "Coffee Hour"  
  
Author: Astraea Silver  
  
Disclaimer: Monica, Tess, Andrew and Tess's dog belong to Martha Williamson, CBS Productions, Moon Water Productions, etc. The quiz introduction and questions come from the Caffeine Addict's Quiz at ahajokes.com, but were slightly edited by me for mainly grammatical purposes and I left out parts of two questions. (The complete quiz can be found at the site.) Also, with the help of my friend, Aurora, I made my own "Addiction Factors", as there are no terms of grading with the original. Lastly, special thanks to Angel Horse for finding the quiz. :-D  
  
"Mr. Halo, put that magazine down," Tess scolded, stirring her tea.  
  
"Oh, Tess, come on." Andrew flashed his friend a mischievous grin. "Don't tell me you aren't curious about these things."  
  
"Curiosity killed the angel," Monica chimed in between sips of coffee, recalling a time he had said that very thing to her.  
  
"Then what are you still doing here?" Andrew retorted playfully and turned again to Tess. He pointed to the open magazine in his hands. "Look, Tess, they've got something for everyone."  
  
"How do you know that?" asked Tess, with a brief glance at the magazine.  
  
"Uh, well, it says so right here." A perpetual gleam in his eyes, Andrew indicated specifically on the cover where it read in bold red lettering, SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE!  
  
"Don't believe everything you read, Angel Boy," admonished the supervising angel, rolling her eyes at the pictures and captions, "especially in something with poodles and power-tools in the same place."  
  
Andrew grimaced and reopened the magazine. As he thumbed through the pages, he replied without looking to Tess, "Now, Tess, don't judge a book by its cover."  
  
After witnessing the exchange of teasing remarks from behind the mug of coffee, Monica inwardly chuckled, finished off the last drop of the favorite beverage, and announced: "All these cliches are putting me in the mood for-"  
  
"-Another mocha latte," finished Andrew, still looking down at the magazine. "And you're going to go get one, and you'll be right back, so I should at least try to save you a fry or two."  
  
"Good guess," Monica murmured as she stood and pushed in her chair.  
  
"You're always in the mood for a mocha latte. Isn't she, Tess?" Andrew raised his eyes for but a second.  
  
"Keep me out of this one, baby."  
  
Before Monica walked away, she took a French-fry from the plate in front of Andrew and ate the treat, being sure to say, "yum," just loud enough for him to hear.  
  
"Hey!" Andrew glanced at his plate as if he'd suspected it of reaching up and smacking him in the face, and scowled jokingly at his friend. "Why is it that you two like taking my fries so much?" he asked Tess, then continued reading like nothing had happened at all.  
  
"You know," Tess mused thoughtfully, "if you got your nose out of that thing, you wouldn't be short a fry right now."  
  
"You know," mimicked Andrew with a smile to reassure her that he was kidding, "if you weren't busy telling me that, you'd see Monica preparing for a sugar-high."  
  
Tess's eyes widened and she turned in her seat. "Decaf, Miss Wings! Decaf!"  
  
The auburn-haired angel tossed a guilty look that plainly grumbled, 'aw, shucks,' over her shoulder to her supervisor.  
  
"Hey, look, Tess," Andrew said after a minute. Tess didn't seem interested as she went on sipping at her tea. Andrew stole a peek at her and continued, "It's an article on training dogs."  
  
"Let me see that," mumbled Tess, reaching for the magazine.  
  
Andrew beamed and handed it over to her. When Monica returned with another decaf mocha latte moments later, Andrew told her, "Oh, yeah. There's something I think you should see in this magazine, too." He turned to Tess. "Could I have that again?"  
  
"Hold on," Tess responded nearly inaudibly, her eyes fixated on the paper and steadily moving back and forth across the page.  
  
"Tess." began Andrew, seeming rather entertained.  
  
"You've had it all day," Tess declared, making it clear that for this reason she reserved the right to have a turn.  
  
"It's only noon," Andrew protested, "and I got it no more than an hour ago." He sighed and kept sneaking glances at Tess, who finally caught him and locked eyes with him. Then she simply tore out her article and dropped the remainder of the magazine beside his plate. Andrew opened to the right page and held it with the back towards Monica, partially to her chagrin, but she only toyed with the spoon in her cup. The Angel of Death cleared his throat and read, "'Do you want to know if you suffer from Alertness Deficit Disorder?"  
  
Monica laughed and interrupted, "Oh, no, no."  
  
"'These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine.'"  
  
"Do I appear to be suffering?" asked Monica, taking one big gulp of coffee.  
  
Andrew shrugged slightly. "'ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year.'"  
  
"I'm none of the above; I'm an angel." Monica smiled and shook her head. "You've got to be kidding, Andrew."  
  
"'If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.'" Andrew paused. "Okay, okay. Fatality may be no threat to you, but just hang on."  
  
"You should talk," Monica giggled. "I think your sanity slipped out of grasp when you found this thing." Andrew looked to Tess as if to say, 'Did you hear that? Did you hear what she said?' but Tess seemed to be a bit occupied with her article, so Andrew kept reading. "'The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor. Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.'"  
  
"So, Tess," Monica said before Andrew could go on, "what're you reading there?"  
  
"Oh, c'mon. I read the first question and already I have a feeling you'd get 'Completely-and-Utterly Addicted.' I wanna see if I'm right." When she refused, Andrew began slyly, "Tell you what, Monica. If you take this quiz and prove me wrong, I'll give you the rest of my fries."  
  
"And another mocha latte?" Monica asked hopefully.  
  
"This isn't a negotiation," said Andrew, but he sighed. "Ah, the infamous puppy eyes. Okay, and another DECAF mocha latte."  
  
Monica's eyes lit up. "What're the other 'Addiction Factors'?"  
  
"Just 'Dependently Addicted.'"  
  
"My angel's intuition says I'll get that." Monica winked. "If I don't, then next time I'll get you a plate of fries, and I won't eat any of them unless you permit me to do so."  
  
"Wow, this IS a good deal." Andrew grinned and they shook hands, sealing the deal. "Number one." He picked a pen up from the table and clicked it into 'ready-to-write' position. "Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?"  
  
"Of course not, and I don't 'escape from' my problems. I talk to God to get through them. Besides, even I know a mocha latte isn't going to solve my worries."  
  
"Good answer, baby," Tess commented from her side of the table, though she still seemed engrossed in the article.  
  
"Two." Andrew chuckled to himself. "Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?"  
  
Monica raised an eyebrow. "No. Now, should I be worried?"  
  
"Maybe for the creators of this quiz," quipped Andrew, checking off 'no' for the second question. "Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?"  
  
Monica stared at her friend, wondering WHAT to wonder.  
  
"Okay, number four," Andrew said quickly. "Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?"  
  
"I go to sleep, maybe, once a year," Monica estimated. "I sometimes drink coffee several times a day. Does that answer the question?"  
  
Andrew shrugged and nodded. "Five-A. Have you ever drunken cold coffee?"  
  
"Sure have. Wasn't half-bad, either," Monica replied. "What's five-B?"  
  
"Five-B. Right out of the pot?" Andrew stifled a laugh in his fist, feigning a cough.  
  
"Next?"  
  
"You're not going to be able to answer every question like that, y'know." Andrew shook his head. "Number six. Do you spend more than 20 percent of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?"  
  
"That's a silly question. Angels don't have incomes." Monica took another sip of her coffee and smiled at Tess, who was obviously deep in thought about what she was reading regarding training dogs.  
  
"Seven. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?"  
  
"I wouldn't mind having a cup the size of a stein, as long as it's full of coffee, but I don't even have my own mug."  
  
Andrew read the next question and laughed so hard he got Tess's attention, as well as that of everyone else in the room. When he had regained his composure and he was no longer being gawked at, he said, "Eight. Has anyone ever told you that you 'have a problem'?" He grinned, the pen poised beside 'yes.' "I know the answer to that one 'cause I've said that myself."  
  
Monica straightened the cup on the table. "I wasn't going to deny it. That's a 'yes'."  
  
Andrew smiled triumphantly and amusement flickered in his eyes when Tess set down her article and listened. "Nine-A. Do you need coffee to get up in the morning?" Noting Monica's 'not the sleep thing again' expression, he apologized, "Sorry, but no one ever said being an angel was easy, even when it comes to magazine quizzes." He scanned the rest of the question. "Nine- B.to get out of bed? Nine-C.to be to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?"  
  
Tess stared at him. "Let me see that," she instructed though she had already taken the magazine from Andrew's hands. "Ten. Do you own a 'Coffee Helmet'? For the culturally ignorant, a 'Coffee Helmet' is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking." Her eyes widening, Tess willingly gave the magazine back to Andrew. "I'll listen in, just to make sure you two have my protection should I find this to be dangerous to your health." Monica looked like she was about to say something, but Tess silenced her and said, "And don't you go getting any ideas. No one here is getting any 'Coffee Helmets,' and mischief doesn't become you."  
  
"Eleven," Andrew spoke up, trying dreadfully hard not to burst into laughter at the next question. "Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you 'Ona mac towanda'?"  
  
Monica blinked. "Pardon?"  
  
A mile-long grin spread across the Angel of Death's face as he translated, "'smells like coffee'."  
  
"Oh, boy." Monica put a hand to her forehead, wondering if she ought to do the same to Andrew to make sure his human form wasn't falling ill.  
  
"Guess not," said Andrew, almost sounding disappointed.  
  
Tess nudged him and winked. "We may not be 'Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples,' but we could always give her a new nickname."  
  
"No!" Monica argued quickly. "Let's get this over with, shall we?"  
  
"Twelve," Tess read, pulling the page into view. "Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?"  
  
"I don't have or need a doctor," replied Monica, "and if I did, I assure you, the Richter scale would not be necessary."  
  
"Thirteen," continued Andrew. "Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?" All three shared a mutual expression of bewilderment and Andrew checked off 'no' without further discussion between them.  
  
Tess leaned over and read the next. "Fourteen. Does the phrase 'Swiss water decaffeinated' strike terror into your heart?"  
  
"Well," Monica began thoughtfully, "I was a little disappointed when I was first told to switch to decaf, but it didn't exactly 'strike terror'. Must admit, cute question, though."  
  
"Mm-hmm." murmured Tess. "You should try getting out a little more, baby."  
  
"Fifteen-A," said Andrew. "Do you have a coffeemaker in more than one room of your house?" He received another glare for an answer. "Okay, no coffeemaker, no house. I guess that's a 'no'.to fifteen-B and fifteen-C, too."  
  
"Do I want to know what they are?"  
  
"Do you?" When she nodded, Andrew, read, "Fifteen-B.in more than five? Fifteen-C.in your bathroom?"  
  
"Oh." Monica took one long sip of coffee. She wrinkled her nose and winked. "Gee, no regular sleep, no income, no coffee mug, no bed, no doctor, no coffeemaker, no house, no bathroom, and not even a 'Coffee Helmet.' This is rather depressing."  
  
Tess patted her shoulder. "Sixteen-A. Do the people at Second Cup refuse to give you free coffee cards anymore?"  
  
Heat rose to Monica's cheeks. "What's sixteen-B?" she asked sneakily.  
  
"I told you," chuckled Andrew, smugly, "you can't answer a question by not answering the question."  
  
".Yes," Monica mumbled, staring into her cup.  
  
"I knew it!" Andrew's grin may as well have been plastered to his face as he scribbled a checkmark next to 'yes.'  
  
"Sixteen-B." Tess continued, "because you're wearing out their hole-punch?"  
  
Monica scowled teasingly as Tess released a little cackle of her own. "No."  
  
"Sixteen-C.and it's bad for the environment?" Tess finished.  
  
Monica sighed, "No."  
  
Andrew stifled another laugh. "Seventeen. Do you grind your own coffee?"  
  
"On rare occasion," admitted Monica.  
  
Andrew marked 'yes' and Tess continued, "Eighteen... Do you grow your own coffee?"  
  
"Where?" Monica rolled her eyes and smiled when she managed to see Andrew putting 'no' before lifting the magazine again so she couldn't see.  
  
"Nineteen. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're 'drinking their profits'?" Andrew seemed to find this funny.  
  
"No," Monica proudly replied, taking one of the French-fries that were practically already hers.  
  
"That's because she hasn't had to work at Second Cup yet," Andrew quipped, forgiving her for even daring to eat a fry, especially while he was looking.  
  
"Twenty-A. Do you know Juan Valdez?" asked Tess.  
  
"Yes. Quite a character, really. He loved caffeine," Monica explained, "and had a donkey that.well.also loved caffeine."  
  
Tess laughed. "Twenty-B.and his donkey?"  
  
"Did you make that up?" Monica eyed her friend, who shook her head.  
  
"Nope, but that's a 'yes' as far as your answer goes," proclaimed Andrew. "Twenty-one. Do you-" He nearly fell out of his seat but managed to catch his balance just in time. "Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?"  
  
"Okay, I know you made THAT up," Monica told him.  
  
"Does that sound like something I'd make up to you?"  
  
"Aye."  
  
"To me, too," Tess added, taking pleasure in seeing Andrew's classic 'what'd I do?' expression.  
  
"It's right from the quiz." Andrew raised his hands in defense. "From this paper to my lips to your ears."  
  
"Show me," Monica insisted as she ate another French-fry.  
  
"If I do you might look at the grading chart. C'mon, one more question to go."  
  
"Fine." Monica finished off her mocha latte.  
  
"My turn, baby." Tess leaned towards Andrew. "Wow, it is a question," she mused, ignoring the look Andrew shot her and reading the last question. "Twenty-two-A. Is sleep a hobby of yours?"  
  
"Sorry, Andrew," Monica sympathized. "Guess you should have gotten the angel edition, huh?"  
  
"Well," Tess interjected before anyone could end up with a plate of fries on their head, "obviously, you can't answer this one either, so let's just skip to the grading, okay?"  
  
Monica smiled. "Okay, grade me."  
  
"My pleasure," Andrew piped up, turning to Tess for the magazine. After a minute or so of looking over Monica's answers he said, "No way!"  
  
"What?" Monica asked eagerly. "Do I get another mocha latte?"  
  
"DECAF mocha latte," corrected Tess.  
  
"I can't believe you didn't get 'Completely-and-Utterly Addicted'!" Andrew sputtered.  
  
"Pleasure doing business with you." Monica beamed and reached for the French-fries.  
  
"Not so fast." Andrew showed her the page. "You didn't get 'Dependently Addicted', either. You scored a 'Slightly Addicted'."  
  
Monica stared at the magazine in disbelief. "I what?"  
  
"She what?" Tess raised a curious eyebrow. "I never thought I'd see the day!"  
  
"Even excluding the questions for which you would have needed something like a house," Andrew explained, "you would still be considered 'Slightly Addicted'."  
  
"How is that?" Monica asked incredulously. "You didn't say anything about 'Slightly Addicted'!"  
  
Andrew's face became a light shade of crimson as he admitted, "I didn't realize I had my thumb over it."  
  
"See that," Tess mused with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "You were both wrong."  
  
Monica shrugged and pulled the plate of fries towards her.  
  
"Hey, what're you doing?" Andrew started to drag the plate back.  
  
"I proved you wrong. I get the rest of your fries, and I believe you owe me a mocha latte."  
  
"Decaf," Tess reminded her again.  
  
"But don't forget," Andrew replied, "your angel's intuition was wrong, too."  
  
"I know," Monica assured him, inching the plate towards herself once more, "and I'll get you a whole plate of fries next time, but these have an appointment with my soon-to-be-very-content-human-form's stomach."  
  
But before anyone could say anything, a familiar little canine hopped up onto the lone unoccupied chair and onto the table, then headed straight for the grub.  
  
"Bad dog. Get outta there!" Tess scolded, almost frantically skimming the article when he didn't obey.  
  
"Still want the fries?" Andrew asked Monica.  
  
"No, thanks."  
  
Tess apparently gave up on the article and lifted her fine furry friend off of the table. The dog burped, seemingly satisfied with the meal but not appearing all too pleased that his dinner was cut short.  
  
"Well, that's something that doesn't happen every day," Monica said with a smile.  
  
"Yeah, what an afternoon," agreed Andrew. "First I find that crazy magazine- "  
  
"Don't forget that bizarre quiz," Monica added.  
  
"How could we?" The Angel of Death laughed. "Then you turn out only 'Slightly Addicted' to coffee, according to 'that bizarre quiz,' and then Tess's dog eats almost every last one of my French-fries!"  
  
"You mean MY French-fries," Monica corrected him.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, Ona mac towanda." Andrew looked to Tess and picked up the magazine. "Hey, Tess, did I mention there was an 'Attitude Quiz' in here.?" 


End file.
